Crab Cocktail

Near the close of the epic film ATTACK OF THE CRAB MONSTERS one of the crabs develops a French accent. He or it sounds like Charles Aznavour as the battle for final control of a tiny Pacific atoll comes down to a British scientist and his lovely assistant. The French crab has grown out of control due to nuclear bomb testing; otherwise the island looks fine. When the crabs makes their move, the scientist pulls his assistant into his arms and remarks ‘I say, those are rather large.’

We’re left to wonder what he was referring to, although the assault by the massive crustaceans is a mighty spectacle. This was the Fifties, so Special Effects were limited to the proverbial iron on a string; while the last remaining humans on the island cling together the crabs never seem to move toward them. Most of the excitement was generated in the theater where all the girls in the audience as well as well some of the boys were screaming.

The scientist breaks the clinch long enough to empty his revolver into the mutant crabs. Whew. The French crab bites the irradiated dust and all his companions quickly follow suit. This seemed implausible in that the actual cause of death is never adequately addressed; instead heroic music swelled and the screen was filled with a mushroom cloud and the demented laughter of Crab Leader. In a short speech before the screen goes dark the Crab informs us that though their bodies are dead, their minds live on.

This explains a lot of things. The crab minds have mutated and seized control of key industries. Their first target; publishing. Having garnered quick control of the film industry, Crab Leader wisely moved east to the atoll of Manhattan. There, with patience born of centuries of stalking plankton or whatever, they took human form, went to the appropriate colleges and bided their time.

Now they control what we view, what we read, the very essence of our cultural life. We sense it; we talk about dumbing down and whether Britanny Spears will run for president; reality TV has demonstrated that the depths of the human mind are rife with crab like articulations of what the crabs believe we’re actually thinking.

Crab Leader warned us. Stay away from seafood restaurants that advertise crab feeds. They’re clever and time is running out. Cue the music. Fade out.